What is the beginning?

"We never start a book from Chapter 2. As adoptees, we live our lives from Chapter 2."
-Darryl McDaniels aka DMC of Run DMC

When do things start to count? If I was too young to remember something does that mean it doesn't exist? Do I not have the right to know about myself? Does my history not matter?

What is the beginning?

Did my life begin at adoption? I don't think so.

I love my adoptive parents. I had a great life. Then why do I have this empty hole inside of me that no matter how hard I try, I can't fill. I have tried hobbies, reading , writing, painting, singing, dancing, acting, soccer, swimming, cheerleading....they didn't work. I even tried filling it with alcohol. That didn't work either. It's my missing piece. A piece that I haven't found, and wonder if I ever will.

Adoption is about loss no matter how you look at it. For one family to gain a member, another family has to lose one. A mother loses a child, a child it's mother. Even though that child gets a new family, it will never replace their first family. No matter how much they love their adoptive mother, they will never feel that safety, familiarity and love that they felt from their first mother while they were in her womb. That can not be replaced.

That being said, how do I "move on"? How do I live my life regardless of my missing piece? Do I really have to forget about my past and concentrate on the future? Do I try to start my own family to make up for the first family I never knew? Where do I begin? I don't know.