It's a bird, it's a plane, it's.......adoption

I wish I wasn't adopted. I wish I could just watch a movie and not be triggered by it. But I am and I can't.

I saw Man of Steel last night and it didn't take long for those familiar feelings to creep up. I knew that it was going to bother me a little bit, like most Hollywood depictions of adoption do but it just didn't sit right with me. (I mean, I cried like a baby at the end of Tangled. A princess, locked in a tower waiting for her real life to begin, always feeling like there was something more out there for her, finds out that she was stolen from her parents as a baby and then reunites with them right before our eyes! I was a mess.) Anyway, this was different. It brought back the feelings of guilt. The "the people who raised you are your real parents, why would you want to search" guilt.

This morning I know why.  I googled "Man of Steel adoption" and then I saw it.  The director and his wife/producer were in the process of adopting two children during the production of this movie.  Ahhhhh, they are AP's.  Now it makes sense.  I clicked on link after link and although the heavy adoption theme is mentioned, it's from a very pro-adoption position.  Or I should say pro-adoptive parent position. Identity crisis is mentioned a lot but they don't really separate it from normal teenage development.

That movie triggered so many feelings from my childhood.  Feeling different but desperately trying to fit in. The conflicting messages from my AP's about searching. Telling me it's okay but then acting hurt if the topic comes up.

Clark was obviously different from a very young age but his dad waited until he was how old to tell him that he was adopted? Yikes. It's hard enough to find out that you were adopted but to find out you're an alien too! Then his father tells him he has to keep it a secret because people won't accept him! Blend in son, and just keep pretending you were born to us. He tells him that someday the world would be ready to find out who he really was, apparently by someday he meant after he was dead so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

Don't get me started about the mother. The look on her face when Clark comes home and excitedly tells her that he found his parents and he knows where he came from. She's saying she's happy for him but her body language tells a completely different story.  I knew exactly how Clark felt when she turned her back on him and started walking away. I wanted to scream at her "this is not about YOU!".

In order for Superman to be accepted by his new adoptive family/planet he had to destroy what was left of his people and his homeland. He had to accept the fact that he was different and show the people of Earth how grateful he was for adopting him by protecting them.  But he couldn't even do that as "himself", he had to create an alter ego to blend in.

When is there going to be a real movie about adoption. One that shows how much it hurts the adoptee. One that doesn't depict the birth/first parents as making a sacrifice for the good of the child and then conveniently dying so they don't come back and interfere in their childs life.  These movies validate adoptive parents savior complexes and further promote the idea that adoptees should try to blend in to their new families and be grateful. The whole "be careful what you search for because you might not like what you find" warning.

I want to make a fantasy movie about adoption. In the movie the adoptive parents will actually put the child's needs first and allow them to grieve losing their first family. They won't be insecure and make it about them all the time. In fact they will celebrate their child's differences and not in the condescending my child is Chinese so I will feed them lo mein noodles and talk about their culture once a month. The adoptee will be allowed to talk about their feelings and if they want to search can do so without feeling guilty and ungrateful. Adoptive families will not feel threatened by birth/first families but instead will welcome them into a greater unit, the way they would welcome in-laws.

Until a movie like that comes out, I will have to sit through movies that promote the status quo and validate worse fears like The Kids are Allright and Juno. Those movies keep adoptees and first families in their place. (Be happy with things the way they are and don't ask questions or bad things can happen.)  That's exactly how pro-adoption Hollywood wants it.  Me, I am waiting for a real super hero to come along and change it.